Stalled or defiant?
This started out as another “woe is me” type post. I’d planned on referencing my earlier posts here, here, here, and here. I was going to talk about how I felt like I’m beginning to sound like a broken record with the “feeling lost” thing. How it felt like limbo. How I’m stressing about money and how the kitchen and living room are a mess. How it feels like I’m moving backward… How I’m not maintaining my morning/evening routines… How I’m falling asleep on the couch regularly… blah blah fuckety blah.
As I was typing this (while holding for Verizon… Trying to make sure my DSL got cancelled correctly, which it didn’t. Idiots.) I got a call on my cell from the extra agency. I’m set up for registration on Saturday. They said that it should be pretty busy. How does this effect my mood?
I felt a shift after I hung up the call. Kind of like defiance. I’ve always said that I would never ever quit… that NYC would not beat me… that no matter how many times I fell I would get back up. So here it is: It doesn’t matter how many times I screw up. It doesn’t matter how many days or weeks I might wallow in self pity or self destructive habits. It doesn’t matter how tired I might be of the rollercoaster. Fuck it, I’m here and I’m in the thick of it. It’s messy, it’s not perfect but goddamnit I will achieve my dreams. Even if the picture that I’m painting for myself is somewhat fuzzy in spots at least I’ve got the paint out and I’m getting my hands dirty.
So…
Fuck feeling depressed.
Fuck having dirty dishes in the sink.
Fuck having a messy living room.
Fuck being poor.
I have talent.
I have tools.
I have resources untapped and unrealized.
Even if I might not exactly feel completely defiant I’m going to act as if I am.
Stalled or defiant?
Defiant. Definitely.