I finally mailed out my headshots with my updated resume to the extra agency yesterday! I just wanted to acknowledge the moment. I feel alot better knowing that it’s out there. They should get it first of the week. I hope to begin the registration process with this agency next week and then the process of getting out onto some sets. Many thanks to MD & TM for all your help and support in clearing my thinking on this front! : )
Next Actions for today as of 2:10 p.m.
Call BH
Call L at ExtraM
Redo Resume
Finally made the call to EM. Woo hoo! : )
I feel pretty lost. Like I’ve lost my center. My direction. Identity. I used to identify so strongly as a trombone player. My whole ego and self esteem was wrapped up in that. Proud of my abilities. Confident in the fact that I was a bad-ass on the instrument. As I’ve let that side of my talents slide, I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t have that feedback coming in. I’ve been focusing on the acting the past two or so years. Making a leap of faith into this new thing. Now that school is finished and I find myself out in the world trying to figure out what to do with the acting I feel like I’m in a kind of purgatory. On the fence. Can’t seem to take the next leap. I find myself in this miserable place of being on the fence. No longer the type of musician I was (or was on my way to becoming), and not really doing any acting to know that “yes, I really am an actor and this was the right choice to make”. I’m grateful for TM’s kind words about my Salon performance and saying “Yes, you are an actor”. That definitely keeps me from completely losing my mind. But hey, I’m late for class and need to get going.
Again, just throwing this stuff out into the universe in the hopes of finding my way.
I’m sending this out into the universe because I need help. A sign. Direction. More faith. Something.
I’m better with the day to day stuff. I’ve cut out soft drinks. I cook more. I eat more fruit. I exercise regularly. I deal with my “hot spots” more proactively. My apartment is neat and tidy most of the time. I don’t let the dishes pile up. The desktop on my computer is clear. All good stufff.
On the career, “what the hell am I doing with my life” front I feel like I’m completely lost. I have lots of different talents. I call myself an actor. I call myself a musician. I call myself a filmmaker. Yet, I find myself not wanting to get up in the morning. No direction. Projects that I can’t seem to get moving forward. Talents that I feel like are wasting away.
Is it too much TV? Too much Bloglines? Not going to bed at a consistent time? Not getting up at a consistent time? Too many projects on my plate? Projects that aren’t compelling enough? Lack of a system? Lack of role models? lack of a mentor? Is it fear? Fear of failure? Fear of starting?
I’ve read alot of self improvement books. I’ve gotten alot out of them. I attribute what success I’ve found so far to the tools I’ve acquired for running my brain that I’ve found in these books. Without those books I’d be a complete basket case by now. But I also feel like I’m burned out. Like all the starting over time and time again has taken its toll on me. I move forward. I move backward. Improvement: yes. Leaps forward from time to time: yes. I feel like I’ve done all this stuff and done all this work and I’m still no closer to that pot of gold. (Whatever that is…). No closer to knowing what the hell I’ve been put on this planet to do. Or perhaps it’s that I’m tantalizingly close, but can’t find a way to break through.
I talk to my folks each weekend and they ask me what I did this past week. I don’t have anything good to tell them. I’m not doing anything really productive with all this free time I have right now. Not finishing the book. Not taking auditions. Not practicing. I don’t want to have to go back to a soul sucking day job. (My last “day job” wasn’t soul sucking… I did actually learn quite a bit, but it was definitely time for a change.) So what the hell am I to do?
I just need to put this out into the universe. Help me get past the fear, or whatever it is that is holding me back and let me break through. Make things clear to me. Help me write them down in a way that I can understand and follow and track so that I feel like I’m moving forward in a significant way. Help me create assets so that I don’t have to live in this freakin’ poverty mentality any longer. I’m tired of the shitty apartment in the shitty part of town and I want something better for my life. I want to be something more than I’ve shown myself to be so far. I want to do the great things and be the great things that I know I have inside of me. I want to use all of myself. I want to use all of my talents and all of my creativity to make cool things. Show me how to do this and let me do this. I’m tired of this shit and I want something better. Show me how to make that happen and let me make it happen.
This past week I visited the Dial-A-Mattress showroom and Macy’s to do a preliminary check on mattresses. I think I’ve decided to just go with the mattress in order to move this process along as quick as possible. (I need to re-read the Consumer Reports article, but from what I remember the whole “you’ve got to match your boxspring to your mattress” thing is alot of hoo-ha that they tell you to sell more boxsprings.)
I’m leaning towards a pillow-top at this point, but want to do some more testing. I’ll get more specific with details of the various mattresses with a later post. I checked out a couple of Sealy Posturepedics and am leaning towards them simply because that’s what I think I currently have. If I just get the mattress I think I can get something within my established price ranger of $700.
Update on the cash collection front:
Previous total: $178
Added:
Summary:
Create and you will make a space around yourself for the type of friends you desire. You will become the light that attracts the other creative moths.
Create what? Music and performances and films and methods and songs and all that you can imagine. Create because you are lonley and want to be around like minded souls.
Create because (and if) you are lonely. It will change your focus. It will attract other creative souls to you like moths to flame.
I hope to follow my own advice.
This came from a notebook entry marked “Week of 11/17/03 – 11/23/03″.
Principles
- Creation provides exponential returns. This applies to all acts of creation, large and small.
- Large acts of creation are made of lots of small acts
- Seemingly unrelated acts of creation (washing dishes, making the bed, eating an apple, etc.) provide the foundation upon which all of the other acts of creation rest. You can’t have one without the other
- Healthy body and healthy mind must be priority number one
- The education that I undertake this week is a sacred gift and sacred trust. I must treat and respect it as such.
- My musical and acting talents are gifts that must be repected and nurtured this week consistently and daily.
- The work that I do at MPG serves a purpose in this stage of my life. I can learn alot from it. I must utilize every moment of my time there and get the most from it.
- I must complete the unfinished duties in my life in order to be entrusted with larger and grander ones.
- I must treat my financial resouces (such that they are) with respect in order to be trusted with larger financial resources. How can I run the finances of an empire if I can’t balance and manage my checkbook.
- New consistent good habits are the best cure for old bad habits
When I looked back at my calendar I realized that this was the week I interviewed at the William Esper Studio. I started classes in January (and just finished their two year program this past June).
Good principles, I think.
More from the notebooks…
Why become an actor?
I want to become an actor because it is something that is within me that is trying to come out. I have a depth undiscovered. It is there underneath the surface. I have the instrument (me) to become very good. (I just need the right mentors and guides for the journey.) I have the rich imagination of an actor. I have the necessary capacity to visualize. I have a deep emotional well to draw upon. I love being “on stage”, and have a love of the craft as well as the product.
I am an actor.
I’ve begun going thru old notebooks and assessing some of the knowledge I’ve acquired over the past 13 or so years. The following is a concept that I was working with a while back. I want to revisit it and see if any of it is still valid.
Why practice your musical instrument(s) of choice (or any other thing you choose to do) for a minimum of 2 minutes daily?
Musical talent is a gift. To not express the music that is within me is a violation of my “True North”. playing music for me is like breathing. To not play creates a situation in my body that is similar to not breathing. I become crakny if I don’t play just as I become cranky if I don’t breathe. (Death from asphyxiation is a sure way to become cranky in a hurry). My “2 Minute” concept addresses the issue of consistency. it takes into account the fact that “The hardest part of practicing is starting.” It makes growth in all areas os my musical talent possible by being believable, and believable is achievable. By making “2 Minutes” my daily goal, I practice and achieve so much more because once I’ve begun I usually continue playing. I do so in a more natural way. A way that allows breathing room and growth.
One thing that’s necessary in assessing this concept is to quantify it. If I make my goal “Practice at least 2 minutes for 6 days this week”, then how much do I end up really practicing? To do this, I’ll use Clockwork Timer and my regular egg timer. Set the egg timer for 2 minutes, and press start on the Clockwork timer. The egg timer counts down from 2 minutes. When it goes off I’m free to walk away from practicing with a clear concious. I’ve met my goal. If I continue to practice this time will be captured by Clockwork Timer. I’ll do the math at the end of the week.
One thing that this doesn’t address is the “why” behind practicing. Is it valid to try and maintain these skills daily, even in the absence of a clear musical goal? Right now I don’t have a clear idea about how I’d use my guitar (or bass, or piano) skills, other than a vague sense of not wanting to lose what skills I do have. Is the concept of “2 Minutes” a valid one, or am I trying to do too much?
Why work out consistently?
I work out consistently because I want an athletic and limber and buff body.
Why do I want that?
My body is my instrument. It is my tool. It is the vehicle thru which every expression of my creativity is manifested. Without a healthy and limber and athletic instrument all of manifestations of my creative self will ultimately be stifled.