Malaise: Quantification
I’m going to try and quantify the things that I feel like are bothering me right now. Here goes:
- My book is lost at sea. – It’s not one book but a couple of different books and a website. I don’t know how to finish it. I don’t know what to do with it if I did finish it.
- I’m burned out on music. – I don’t know if this is a temporary thing or not but I find myself more and more bitter in this area. I’ve got gigs and gigs worth of songs in I-Tunes and very few of them light a fire under me anymore. Trombone seems like a dead end to me. No gigs that excite me. When I do play these days it’s only to pay the bills. I do enjoy playing the guitar and feel like I’m getting better but to what end?
- I’ve all but given up on doing anything with my Baggage recording
- I start but don’t finish. – See above.
- Acting: I don’t have a freaking clue what I’m doing. – I have no clear idea where I want this to go other than a general “wanting to be successful and good at it”. I know it has been good for me to take the acting classes. I know that I’m a more open and better person because of them. But damnit I need some clarity here. What the hell am I doing?
- I say I want to be a singer songwriter, but I don’t write any songs. – More specifically I have alot of fragments of half finished compositions on my hard drive. I don’t know what the heck to do with it or how to make anything of it. I know that this is a potential source of income for me but I don’t know how to make it work.
- I have a ton of talent in alot of different areas but I can’t seem to focus and make anything work
- I want to be financially successful, but I don’t know how to make that happen. – I’ve read book after book and listened to tape after tape. I know that I need a strategy. I don’t know what the hell that strategy is. I know I need to create income generating assets. The ways that I’d like to do that given my talents (songwriting & acting) seem so far out of reach to me right now.
Some other feelings that come to mind:
It feels like I’ve been here busting my ass for 13 years and I have nothing concrete to show for it. I have a hell of alot of experience, yes. I’m just tired of the up and down. I’m tired of trying and trying and trying and still not having anything to show for it. It’s like really I’m tired of me and my own brain. I have pages and pages and pages of meandering writings like this in journal after journal. It seems like it’s not gotten me anywhere other than where I am right now. Seemingly burned out. It’s also like I can’t seem to stick to any one thing. Sure I’m coming up on week three of my challenges. Where will I be in week five? Ten? What’s the point of starting these habits if I can’t make them stick?
The Point?
I really don’t care what all of this sounds like at this point. Petty? Whining? Blah blah blah? I just needed to get it out and I feel a little better because of it. I have no more answers than I did when I started typing but what the hell.