Deliverable

I have rather large ambitions. I think that when I combine my ambitions with my tendency to jump around in my thinking it has the potential to derail me. I don’t want to be small, so I end up doing nothing at all. I become faced with the enormity of the task, and I melt down. My brain locks and I become paralyzed. I’m unable to see the whole of my ambitions as the necessary small chunks required to make it all a reality. Or perhaps a better way to put it would be to say that I get glimpses from time to time and I make small steps forward, but overall I’m unable to build the necessary momentum to hit a tipping point.

• I want to be a good guitar player.
• I want to be a good bass player.
• I want to be a good singer.
• I want to be a well respected trombone player.
• I want to have a record of achievement as a trombone player that is more than just “plays club-dates”.
• I want to be a well respected actor.
• I want to direct and make movies.
• I want to be a singer/songwriter.
• I want to have my own rock band that I lead and front.
• I want earn enough money to create a foundation that will help solve some of the problems we’ve created for ourselves in this world.
• I want to write a Broadway show.
• I want to be on Broadway as an actor & a singer.
• I want to work with great actors and directors.
• I want to publish a groundbreaking teaching method that changes the way people learn music.
• I want to create enough assets so that I never have to worry about money again.
• I want to move out of this shitty apartment.
• I want to travel the world and have really cool experiences.
• I want to build a place for myself that is an oasis… my retreat from the stresses of the world.
• I want to help in the fight to stop the current administration from raping the constitution.
• I want stop the religious right from taking my rights away from me.
• I see wrongs in my life every day and I want to make them right. I see lying politicians feeding at the public trough and it sickens me. I want to put and end to this.
• I want to help in the fight to keep monster corporations from owning everything and running everything
• I want to have the financial resources to take care of my parents when/if that becomes necessary.
• I want to use all of my talents and all of my creativity to create a life that has meaning, and passion, and joy, and pleasure, and all of the wonderful stuff that life has to offer.
• I want to make full use of myself.

All of this stuff is rattling around in my head, and that’s alot of stuff. Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me, but I’m not willing to let any of it go. I’m unwilling to be mediocre. I’m unwilling to settle for less than I can be. The problem is that I can’t see the A./B./C./etc. progression that is necessary to get all of this stuff done. Or maybe I sorta see it (I know the damn book must be finished if I’m ever to move forward) but I’m afraid to just finish the first step because I’m afraid that the first step will be the only step.

I’m willing to accept that there are things on my list above that perhaps are there because I think I “should” do them, or that I “could” do them. I know that I have a tendency to hero worship a bit. I know that I respect Robert Rodriquez and that I love his approach to filmmaking, for example. I know that I have made short films in the past and have been successful at it. I added “direct and make films” to my list above. Maybe this is just a wish right now and will never move past that, but at least it’s something to latch on to.

Right now I feel like alot of the things on this list are “if only’s”. “If only I could get my shit together and consistently do -insert item here-, I’d be a hell of alot better at it”. Maybe that’s part of the problem. The question that I must focus my energy on is this:

I believe that the universe is infinite, and that within each of us is infinite potential and depths unimagined. If we begin with the premise that all things are possible, then only question we need concern ourselves with is “Which thing will I do first?”. This allows us the freedom to begin (and complete) things without fearing that we’re making the wrong decision.

This is where I am now with this stuff. I have to say that it feels good to get all those ambitions out of my head and “out into the universe” in a concrete way. I know that right now there is only one person reading this blog, but still it’s helpful to put this stuff out there. It makes it more real and forces me to more honestly assess things. They’re no longer secret possible things in my head, but things that I could be called out on at a later date by someone reading this blog. That helps in an odd kind of way.

Having this out there forces me to say “Ok, if I am indeed serious about wanting to do these things, then what the hell is the next step? How the hell do I organize things so that these things become reality?”.

I know that I listed erratic sleep patterns as my original Public Enemy Number One. I know that dirty dishes were/are right up there as Public Enemy Number One-A. Both of these are definitely things that are holding me back, but I think they’re also symptoms of a larger issue.

What is my real “Public Enemy Number One”?

It comes in three forms and they’re all interrelated:

Becoming Overwhelmed. Difficulty Staying Focused. Finishing.

I have days (sometimes single, sometimes multiple) where I get completely overwhelmed by life. Days where every action that I could take becomes almost painful because it seems hopeless. On days like this I either curl into the fetal position, or I find some mind numbing activity to escape into. On days like this my ambitions seem to wither and die. Simple things that might have a positive impact on my life become incredibly difficult to do.

The problem is that I have these type of days pretty periodically so it’s hard to build momentum. It feels alot like one step forward and two steps back. Like I said, I know that all of this stuff is interrelated. It becomes a “chicken/egg” spiral type of thing. I’ll feel overwhelmed, so I’ll spend the night on the couch and not in my bed. My sleep suffers, so physically I’m more apt to feel overwhelmed the next day. “Rinse & Repeat” until I manage to snap myself out of it.

“Becoming Overwhelmed” is a pretty inexact description of what’s going on. It feels like falling off a cliff into darkness in some ways. Staying focused is more difficult than ever.

I think this is part of the problem that I have with finishing projects. Not all projects, mind you. I have still been able to function in the world. I’ve accomplished some things. But always with the nagging thought that if only I could get my shit together I could be and do so much more with my life.

So there’s the triumvirate: I get overwhelmed, I have trouble staying focused, and then I end up not finishing things.

What the hell to do about it? At this time I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s enough right now to admit that this is the big “Public Enemy” that’s been holding me back. I’m gonna go take my walk that I’d planned for today and get some dinner. I may post some more thoughts on this when I get back. I may not. Just have to see! : )

I’ve decided to change the way I track my fitness goals. I like the Monday-Sunday format I’ve used in the past, but a tracking method without a plan for exercise isn’t very helpful at all. So, here’s the new format:

I’ve created two new pages: Fitness Tracking and Walking Routes. “Fitness Tracking” will be a static page to keep track of my weekly exercise goals. With “Walking Routes”, I’ve used an online tool called G-Maps Pedometer to map out routes of varying lengths around the neighborhood. When I set a walking goal for the week I’ll have a clear idea of where to walk, and how far I’ve walked. With this information I can then track how fast I walk the route, the idea being that when I walk it faster I’m raising my heartrate and improving my overall cardio performance. This also will help with the boredom factor, because I can always map out a new route of the same distance. I think that the reason I’ve burned out on running in the past is because I really had no way to track what I was doing. (Though I’ll only be walking these routes… running’s too tough on my knees…) Hopefully this will help.

I’ll also have my list of exercises to choose from when I’m planning my workout for the week. The goal is to add as many different things as possible to this list so that I don’t hit the wall of boredom and stop working out. Also with this list I want to add as many things that I can do that don’t require alot of equipment. Hopefully I’ll also add a yoga practice and dance classes to this list as funds permit.

Having “Fitness Tracking” on it’s own page will make editing it from week to week much easier. I’ll also have a single .html file that I could archive later if the page becomes too unwieldy.

And here’s the plan:

• Each Sunday I’ll create a new entry for the upcoming week on my “Fitness Tracking” page by copying and pasting the previous week, just as I’ve been doing in the past in the blog post format. This is pretty quick to do.
• I’ll look at the previous week’s exercises and come up with my planned exercises for the week, using the choices from my Exercises page.
• I’ll take a look at my calendar and pencil in where I want to do these exercises. For example, I might look at my week and see that I have a heavy teaching day on Wednesday. This might be a good day to schedule as an off day. This would have the option to change as things come up in the week, but at least I’m starting with specific goals (eg. “Walk on Monday and Thursday”) in mind.

That’s it. That’s the plan. It might not be much, but at least it’s a start! : )

I’m sure that this was bound to happen at some point. It’s almost 11 on Thursday night and I’ve not had a chance to put together my headshots for this week. This afternoon was pretty busy with class, the morning was messed up with catching up with sleep from the night before (I was working last night on the final preparations for my class today), and this evening I had laundry to do. I could choose to stay up late and slavishly get them done, but I’m choosing to go to bed and get a good nights rest. I suppose that’s progress in some way, considering my Public Enemy #1.

I may post later on this, but right now I’ve got to put the sheets on the bed, wash a couple of dishes, and go to sleep. 6 a.m. wake up for tomorrow and a full day of teaching.

“Past Posts” that I really needed to get my day started today:

Fear
Field Trips
Quote of the Week: 1/29/06
The Book: Ask the Right Questions
Make Your Own Luck
Need / Must / Gotta
Nothing Stopping

It’s good to be able to go back and see where I’ve been.

Reminder to self for today: Take one small action conscious action, and then take another. Rinse and repeat.

I’m making a concious decision to not attend the open call that’s happening this evening. It’s way the hell downtown and would basically wreck the rest of my evening. I’m conciously deciding to stay at home and get some work done on other projects. The key here is that if I’m not going to get the benefit of doing the monologue tonight, I really have to get some work done.

It’s currently 5:30 p.m. I’ll be in bed by 11:00 p.m. Here goes…

The true test of my teaching method comes when I ask myself the following question:

Am I willing to use the same techniques I’m teaching my students in my own study of an instrument that is new to me?

This came to me today as I practiced guitar. This is an instrument that I’ve taught myself how to play. I have not mastered it yet by any means. I was struggling with a passage and said to myself “Why don’t I practice this passage the same way I’ve been telling my students to approach material that is new to them?”. I did this. It helped tremendously.

We should be willing to practice that which we preach when it comes to teaching. It gives our words more weight if we are able to honestly say to a student: “I’ve used these same techniques to teach myself –insert new instrument here—.” It’s also very humbling to begin again with the struggle of playing something that is unfamiliar and helps us better understand the “beginner mind” that our students are dealing with.

By 5/31/06 I will complete the following:

-Finances-

• Pay my bills on the first of the month (or the 31st of the previous month). (somewhat complete) – I didn’t incur any late payment fees but I need to remain vigilant with this until it’s an “I don’t have to think about it” habit.
• Begin using my discretionary account. Get a feel for how/if this is going to work. (incomplete) – I didn’t do this.

-Personal-

• Review my “Someday/Maybe” file. Weed out anything that’s no longer relevant. Bring into current month’s goals any projects that might be good for this month. (complete) – I seem to recall doing this at the beginning of the month.
• Respond to emails in a timely fashion (3 to 4 days maximum). Keep inbox “free and clear”. (mostly complete) – I let a few emails linger longer than I would have liked. This is an ongoing process that I need to be vigilant about until it’s an “I don’t have to think about it” habit.

-Book/Teaching-

• Maintain a work diary. (complete) – I did pretty well with this one. I like having a record of how I spend my days and will continue this practice.

-Music-

• Track weekly practice karma” (complete) – This has been good for me.

-Acting-

• Four consecutive Headshot Thursday’s (incomplete) – I’ve fallen down with this one. I need to reevaluate my process because there have been (and will be in the future) Thursdays where I just wasn’t able to mail before bed. I set it up to be an “all or nothing” thing… I need to refine my strategy.

-Website-

-Health-

• Track weekly health and exercise karma. (complete) – I did well with this, and think I’ve come up with some new habits that will serve me in the future.

-Home-

One of the benefits of a monthly review is that you’re able to see all of the good things that happened that you might have forgotten. It brought to mind the old Bing Crosby tune “Count Your Blessings” from White Christmas:

If you’re worried and you can’t sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep and you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings.

It would probably be help my sleep alot if I practiced this every night. Something to consider.

It’s interesting to look back at March , and compare it to this past month. April was also a mixed bag somewhat of a mixed bag. It was a very good month for my acting. I was consistent with my mailings every Thursday. I went on every open audition that came up, and I got called back a couple of times. The audition database has also helped out a lot. I identified and clarified a very important concept that should help me in future situations. (Actually as I look back, I see that there were two other good concepts that I identified & clarified.) I’m tracking my practice, my health and my exercise better. I had a really good chat with D.C. which gave me at least one good concept which I hope to implement this month. I was able to take class at AMS again, and had a couple of very good voice lessons. I identified a couple of public enemies that have been holding me back and came up with ways to deal with them. Good stuff all.

Maybe April wasn’t as much of a mixed bag as I thought. Certainly it wasn’t perfect. (And as I noted earlier in the month, that’s ok.) I have not finished my home improvement projects and I’m not certain why. It was hit & miss on some of the other things… (Tracking my finances with the new account, responding to email in a timely fashion, paying the bills on time). Again, not perfect but there was definitely progress. I think that’s what I need to focus on as I go into May. I’ll build on my successes and work smarter on the things that I didn’t do so well.